Forgiving my Younger Self

The real wound was in the shame I refused to face

Have you ever watched the show Embarrassing Bodies or Dr Pimple Popper?

Well, I used to judge participants that would appear on these shows.

Not because they were broadcasting their physical ailments to the world (this no doubt requires a lot of courage)

But rather because many of them had been living with pain or massive physical issues for YEARS.

Growths that had gone on to take up half their face, for fifteen years, never having seen a doctor before.

Sure, for some, this was due to finances. I don’t live in the states but - as a foreigner - it sounds like healthcare is financially inaccessible to many US citizens.

But finances wasn’t always the reason.

And those were the ones I used to judge.

Like, why aren’t you seeing a doctor when you’re in pain and you can afford it - why did you wait seven years and then choose reality TV of all places!?!?

Well there’s an ancient Roman saying that goes: when you judge another it is because you are guilty of the same things.

And that was me.

You see, seven years ago I was deeply insecure in my looks - and was making a lot of money. This combination led to an addiction in plastic surgery.

I disliked my face so much I went and got jaw implants.

I know, don’t ask.

And the surgery backfired on me.

I was so swollen and in so much pain for months thereafter.

So I went back in under the knife to fix it. Twice. Within the space of a year and a half.

This knocked my confidence oiut. Especially my feminine energy.

Here’s the shocker - all surgeries were performed by the same doctor!!!

I kept going back to him.

And have yet to seek medical advice from another doctor since.

Why?

Well I’ve come to realise that emotional reds don’t lead to good decision making - that’s why they’re called reds. Red for stop.

Since the surgeries, I have held on to so much shame and suppressed this. Im still in pain from it and get regular botox injections into my left massatuer.

I guess that red prevented me from seeing the obvious:

I have private health insurance,

I could have had this looked at a long time ago.

The recent Spellcrafter “I Choose” ceremony shifted something big in me. Awareness. A connection to a verison of myself living pain free. And the actons to manifest this.

So I’m working with a daily somatic self love practice

And today, for the first time in seven years

I saw a doctor to get referred to a specialist

I could cry tears of joy

Sharing this publicly is my way of finding acceptance for the decisions I made, to release the shame.

I forgive that younger version of myself and I love her.

I also understand why I judged those participants so much, and now I hold nothing but empathy towards them.

Thanks for reading x